What Mischief Is God up to in Your Life?

A  Seminary professor of mine, Dr. Andrew Purves would ask us in class, ” What mischief is God up to in your life?” I don’t remember in exactly what context he would say this to us but it’s intriguing and challenging and I like it. I looked up the word mischief just to see what came up and it boiled down to either: causing trouble in a playful way or causing trouble in a malicious way. I think this is really interesting because while I would say God causes trouble in a playful way  (my perception of God is very playful), I think many would say God causes trouble in a malicious way. I say this because over the years talking to people about God (this happens everywhere you go once people find out you are a pastor) there always seems to be this heartbreak and confusion over why such horrible things happen in the world as if God had caused these things to happen or wanted them to happen. I can’t shake that this version of God is well… kind of mean.

I lament this. I honestly do not think that God causes trouble in our lives at our expense  for God’s own benefit or for anyone else’s. I’m not going to get into the exegesis of all the biblical passages that might suggest otherwise but if you are interested in talking about that sometime come find me. We’ll talk it out.

I do think that God causes trouble in our lives in a playful way and it’s the good kind of trouble. The trouble that gives you life and that you benefit from not the kind that takes away from your life. It’s the trouble that stirs up your cozy life just enough to make you uncomfortable. It’s the trouble that causes you to ask some big questions and take some big risks. It’s the trouble where you realize something is happening and it scares you because you don’t know what it will look like or how your life will change because of it.

And it’s in a playful way. Because God, I believe has a sense of humor and God taps into our individual senses of humor. Because God knows each of us, uniquely. It’s playful because while it challenges us, it’s with the intent of bettering us. It’s playful because while at times it can seem like our worst nightmare, it’s probably exactly what we need. It’s playful because God loves us and whats to see us happy and sometimes that means putting us in awkward, uncomfortable and slightly terrifying situations. It is playful because it might be something little or something frivolous or something you think God wouldn’t even care about.

I believe that God loves me and wants the best for me and cares enough to mess with me. When I think about mischief as this playful trouble that is ultimately life-giving, I am deeply appreciative that God cares enough about me to do this for me (especially because I am stubborn and it takes a lot of stirring in my life to get my attention.) This idea of a mischievous God working for my good becomes all the more beautiful as I look back through my life and see all the ways that that has proven to be true.

While I am deeply appreciative and honored that God cares about me, I’m not as compliant about what God is doing in my life as I want to be or as I used to be.  My problem is and maybe this is true for you, I am really good at the awareness part- the oh thats what God is up to part but not so good at the actually letting go of control enough for that thing to happen part. And I’m not sure how to get to that point. I can see God working and I can feel God working but I am resistant. I am resistant because trusting the things you care about deeply to someone other than yourself is hard. Why would I trust the unknown to someone else when I can be in control? But then I realized I don’t really trust myself at all so why not trust God? God’s proved Godself in the past, time and time again. Whatever God has up his sleeve for me has to be better then what I have planned for myself. Most days my greatest accomplishment is responding to the list of e-mails I had waiting in my inbox. And I want more. But if I want the more, I have to trust enough to let go of the control.

As I’m writing this I’m also sighing big heavy sighs because I tend to be a little dramatic but also because as much as I agree with what I just wrote, I wonder if I will honestly live into any of it. Will this just be one more thing that I see to be true and I encourage others to do but I don’t actually own for myself? I think part of this blog has been for me a way to keep myself accountable. Accountable to believe the things I say I believe and strive for the things I say I am striving for.

I’m still working on not letting the fear of losing control keep me from what God has in store for me. In the meantime since I don’t have any answers, I’m going to pray about it. I don’t say this as a cop out but I say it because I’m what I call a “last resort” pray-er. It’s when I’ve exhausted all other options and praying has become my last resort. Maybe just maybe the beginning of letting go of control in my own life is starting with prayer instead of my own solutions to these problems. It’s also realizing that I don’t have to let go of all my control all at once. I can let go of it little by little until it becomes more natural and habitual.

I guess my questions for all of you would be, Can you detect the beautiful mischief in your life? And if you can, can you trust enough to let the mischief unfold?

If you can’t, that’s okay because that is where I’m at so you’re not alone. If you’re into prayer, I would try that and if not, I would take a tiny step each day towards letting something new happen in your life. Don’t be overwhelmed by the destination- in fact don’t even think about the destination. Think about right now. Think about what mischief is happening in your life this day. Start there. I’ll be right there with you.

Letting Go of Control

Two weeks ago I went to Chiapas, Mexico on a mission trip. I’m on a plane to Portland re-writing this post for the 3^rd time, not because I’m a perfectionist- far from it, but because it is so hard to put my experience into words. So as for what my experience was like- look to my pictures on facebook because they say it better than I could. My post today is more about what this trip taught me about myself. So I hope some part of you connects with what I wrote.

I went on this trip for pretty much purely selfish reasons. Now that I think about it, I actually don’t know what a non-selfish reason to go on a mission trip would be. Ten years ago I went on my first mission trip to Mexico and the experience changed me and the rest of the course of my life. It was that trip that would later cause me to tell my parents that at just 16 I knew I wanted to be a pastor.  That week in Mexico is the time in my life when I can point to and say that’s when I became aware of God in a way in which I realized my life was not my own. It was powerful and beautiful and eye opening and I miss how simple it all seemed.

Ever since that first mission experience, I have been trying to find that feeling again that I encountered on that trip. I want to feel the intensity that started this journey in the first place. As I sit here 10 years later and ponder God and life and the Church, I desperately want to find the clarity I felt I once had. I figured simulating that experience as much as possible would sustain me for another 10 years. It’s that simple right…

Sad to say, I did not experience that ah-ha moment or find that sense of clarity. I love what I do and the way it makes me feel but the reasons that I do it have become both practical and mystical at the same time. I am more confused at what God is doing in the world and what my purpose as a pastor is than at any other point in my life. And while I understand this confusion I feel is clarity in a sense, I long for the days when I actually thought it made sense, when I didn’t have as many questions.

I wanted to travel back in time and feel the same security, assuredness, confidence and purpose that 16 year old me felt. Instead I found myself more insecure and not in control than I had in years. Something I did not expect to feel. I had known that I needed to put myself in more uncomfortable situations.  Since accomplishing Seminary and all the ordination things, I was ready for the next stage of growth. I did not however think this trip was going to be the start of that next stage. Usually these trips are my thing- I do them well.

Before we went on the trip, a woman who was going with us suggested I preach one of the sermons so that I could be a representative of women in ministry. I agreed to do this because, well women in ministry is obviously something I believe in. When I agreed though, I recognized this feeling in me that I hadn’t felt in a long while. I was very nervous. I did end up giving a reflection and it wasn’t a big deal but when I first thought about preaching to another culture, who spoke a different language in an atmosphere that may not be as welcoming as I was used to, I was intimidated. I realized it had been probably close to 2 years since I felt nervous about almost anything. Angry, frustrated, hurt… sure but not intimidated. I had been living my life in a state of comfort so much so that I forgot what it felt like to not be in control of how it was received or if I would fail.

I take a lot of pride of being in control of my actions and my feelings- too much pride. Being challenged and intimidated threatens this control I feel I have. Which is obviously why I avoid it.

I went on this trip to find more security and instead I found insecurity. This insecurity was already there but it took a lot of moving pieces to bring it to light. I said I wanted to find the security and clarity of 16 year old me but lets be serious no 16 year old girl is that secure. Looking back, it was probably my utter lack of control that led me to be open enough to experience God in the first place. Maybe it was that at the time I was so intimidated by who God was that it led me to have that intimate encounter.

What I was reminded of on this trip was that the key is not gaining control but letting go of control. By trying to keep control, not only have I missed out on ways God has been trying to get my attention but I’ve also paralyzed myself into not knowing any other way to be or act. I think about the people in my life and my congregation and I know we are all struggling with trying to control our lives. We all feel like we don’t have control over our lives whether it be job security, financial troubles, family drama, health issues or our own mental health.

I get an e-mail from the Enneagram Institute everyday called the Enneathought that gives you a quick tip suggesting how your personality type can move towards growth. Today it said, “What would happen if you let go of control, would your life fall apart? I’m guessing the answer is no, it will not and neither will yours. If anything, at least in my experience letting go of control will enhance our lives in ways we do not yet know.