Forewarning: This post is a selfish post. It’s essentially a rant… about me. It wasn’t one of those “see God in the small things and share it’s beauty with the world” kind of weeks.
It took me awhile to figure out what this intense emotion inside of me was that would manifest itself as sass or sarcasm or disinterest. It’s been becoming more and more frequent over the years. In case you couldn’t tell from the title of this post- It’s anger. It took me a while to figure it out though because I’ve never been an angry person- in fact growing up those who knew me best would find it weird how I never got angry about anything. But now, as I grow into myself and I become invested in the things I am passionate about and I own my independence, I am angry about a lot of things. To be clear, anger isn’t always just anger but it is a symptom of other feelings such as hurt, disappointment, rejection, exhaustion and distrust. It is helpful to know this but this doesn’t help me figure out what to do with these feelings.
I realized women are not really taught how to deal with their anger. Women who let their anger show are normally portrayed negatively. We are labeled as bitchy, domineering, angry feminists, outspoken, over-emotional, insecure, sensitive, and a myriad of other labels depending on how each women manifests their own anger.
I am none of those things though. And I am tired of coming across these ways because society has given me no other way to articulate myself unless I admit defeat. I can choose not to speak up when I see sexism, racism, cultural insensitivity, oppression, and the plain denial of another’s humanity. If I choose not to speak up then I am seen as the sweet, kindhearted, easily delighted woman that I am. But if I choose to speak up or express myself, suddenly these positive attributes are overshadowed by the sassy, sarcastic or harsh words I feel I have to use in order to be heard. I have tried not to be angry about the injustice I see or feel and I have tried to not speak up but I can’t not. And that makes me angry. It makes me angry that I can’t stand up for the things I feel convicted about and also be seen as the sweet, kindhearted, easily delighted woman I feel I am.
How do I not be angry when I go on a date and the guy says some pretty rude things? How do I not say screw the dating scene all together knowing I would be better off spending my time building myself up rather than listening to some guy try and poke at my self worth?
How do I not be angry when a Church leads me on for 4 months to admit that they never intended to hire me in the first place or when another church has reassured me of my position there only to be what now seems to be “ghosting” me or rather as my friend Derek pointed out “Holy ghosting” me. Apparently “ghosting” isn’t just a dating trend but an ecclesiastical one too. Good to know. How do I not say screw the system, I can find employment from someone who actually values and respects my time?
How do I not be angry when my uncle asks me, “do you really feel sexism in your everyday life”? He’s asking an honest question but his shock that I do indeed feel sexism is the same shock I feel that he even has to ask. How do I not just say screw trying to explain to people who don’t understand, I can just surround myself with people who do.
I have realized that as I grow older and become aware of more and more things, the more things I have to be angry about. It’s like the “the more you know, the more you realize you don’t know” quote. The more I learn about injustice, the more injustices I see, the more injustices I feel as a woman, as someone in ministry, as someone who is young and as someone who isn’t okay with doing things the way everyone else does them.
Anger like any emotion takes a toll on you. It is exhausting to be angry. I am tired. And I don’t want to be tired anymore. So what do I do?
Like I said before, I can’t not be angry so I can check that off the list but I can choose not to participate in certain things that I know will trigger anger without much positive result. I can choose to forego this modern dating scene and save my roommate from having to listen to all my rants. ( Granted this is risky though because I will then probably most definitely end up alone but hey maybe this will be one of those high risk high reward things?) I can offset the anger I feel when Christians distort the teachings of Jesus Christ by showing everyone I meet the love they deserve. I can take the anger I feel for institutions wasting my time and make sure I go out of my way to respect the time of all those whose time is in my hands. And I can remember that even though this isn’t a fun feeling, it is a feeling and feeling is a good thing. To feel things is to experience life. And I can remember that I rather feel the hard things than feel nothing at all. And lastly, I can hope that while I am sure there will always be things to be angry about that maybe someday it will be seen as a flattering emotion for a woman to express rather than an undesirable one.
Until then there is always alcohol.
Floundering With A Purpose 